Thursday, November 5, 2009


Folks, the shit has hit the fan!

I've been going around my neighborhood bragging to everyone about how great everyone at my house has been feeling. No one in my family gets sick! We are SUPER HUMAN!

Well, my four-year-old, Suzie, has been jealous of all of her friends.
She whines to me, "Mommy, why did all my friends get the swine flu and I didn't? It's not faaiir!"
And of course, I replied, "We can't just get you everything you want, just because your friends have it too."

But, being the sensitive, push-over parent that I am, after begging, and crying, I let her go out and play with sick kids.

Lo, and behold, this morning, Suzie woke up and barfed her brains out, coughed up a lung, and had a seizure because of her high grade fever.

Ward and I are so proud of her. This is a major accomplishment in her life, and I'm proud to be a witness, and hold her hair while she vomits out her hopes and dreams. All in the name of peer pressure.

You know what I think of the Swine Flu? Or H1N1, or whatever the cool kids are calling it now?

H1N1? What kind of name is that? Is it a chemical concoction, like Hydrogen, and Nitrogen? Yeah, I paid attention in Chemistry 101. I totally know my Periodic Table of Elements.

Ok, not really, I found a smart nerdy guy who let me cheat off his answers if I showed him my boobs. Survival of the fittest, people!

But, I digress, what was I saying?

Oh yes. H1N1 flu. I look at it as the same thing as the 9-11 World Trade Center attack, or that poisonous stuff in the ceiling in the 70's....what was that called? Google?......oh yes, asbestos. Remember the asbestos in your mail scare earlier this decade?

Yes, I believe that the swine flu is a terrorist attack on the United States. I mean, come on, it's epidemic (yeah, I had to look that one up too....don't you just LOVE Google?).

I really think that some middle eastern suicide freakazoid American hater infected his flock (or head of whatever they call it) of pigs with some deadly, mutating, highly infectious disease, then made out with the female pig, and flew in to out beloved Motherland, and started exposing massive amount of people, which of course, spread to other masses. Throw in a little media stunt to scare everyone and there you have it.

Complete pandemonium.

Oh my Golly Gee Fiddlesticks! My baby has been a victim of a terrorist attack!!
Run for your lives!

p.s. If you need me, we'll be hiding out in our bomb shelter out back.


  1. Love it! Great writing. Following you from MBC. Have a great day!

  2. LOve your blog! Glad you visited mine. definitely gonna be back, too!

  3. I think you're spot on with your theory. It sounds reasonable.

    It also sounds like your daughter did an impressive job with it. Well done. In our house, we call it the Heiney Flu. (H1N1...get it?) It has a nice ring to it.

    I think I'm going to enjoy reading your posts. :)

  4. Crap! I've been feeling impervious lately. Guess that means I will get it.